The Bagel
by Little Fire Thief
Summary: A very, very silly oneshot inspired by very loud, aggressive music. Contains: Harry, motorbikes, Hufflepuffs, the ultimate evil, and a very large beard. An endofterm present for Jiang Qing. Possibly the first of many very, very silly oneshots.


**We were high on music, sugar and school's end of term. What else can I say? Listening to loud, aggressive music in the sixth form computer room is good for my creativity levels, but bad for my sense of decency to characters. No Corvus in this one, I'm afraid.**

**The Harry Potter fanfiction was inspired by Scream Aim and Fire by Bullet for my Valentine, Spitfire by The Prodigy, Blood Sugar by Pendulum, Fury of the Storm by DragonForce, Aces High by Iron Maiden, Ace of Spades by Motorhead… and probably a whole bunch of others I've forgotten. None of which I own the rights to. Please don't sue me.**

**Though, it probably would help if you listened to them while reading this. And I mean absolutely no offence to any REAL bikers reading this, for whom I have only the utmost respect. Truly, I worship you, whoever you are.

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It was a relatively normal October day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The sun was shining, the Slytherins were whining, the teachers were waiting for the summer holidays and Ron was stuffing his face with everything edible in sight.

Hermione fainted when Ron ate her Arithmancy homework.

Stepping over his bushy-haired friend's prone body, Harry dropped into the seat next to Ron's. "What's up with Hermione?"

"Dunno," the redhead mumbled through a mouthful of Harry's book bag. Harry stared at it emotionlessly. Well, there went the Potions essay he'd spent four hours writing last night. Oh, well. It wasn't like it was for a teacher he liked or anything.

Honest.

He looked around the hall. Yep, a completely normal day. Nothing weird going to happen today. Normal. Finally, a completely normal day. Harry repeated this to himself as Snape yelled at a tiny blonde Hufflepuff first year. Oh. Not so normal- Snape was shouting at the first year boy instead of at him, Harry, and for that he was grateful.

Harry should have known then and there that something was wrong.

The Hufflepuff boy eventually ran out of the great hall crying and Harry went back to his- oh. No, he didn't go back to his breakfast. Ron had eaten the Gryffindor table.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Halfway across the country, the Hufflepuff boy's family received a letter from their tiny Hufflepuff son/brother/nephew/cousin and decided to go to Hogwarts to see this… 'Professor Snape'.

All one hundred and fifty-three of them.

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The next day promised to be normal, too. It made Harry very happy. He liked normal. Well, not Dursley normal. Dursley normal involved gardening and gossiping and having those stupid little tea party things that Aunt Petunia liked. Ew.

Anyway, getting off track. Today was normal. _Magic_ normal. Harry smiled and sat down at the Hufflepuff table next to the tiny blonde first year from yesterday, seeing as Ron was in solitary for eating all the furniture in the Gryffindor common room and Hermione was still in the Hospital Wing, comatose. The tiny boy looked especially tiny and innocent and adorable and harmless today, with big blue eyes and pudgy cheeks and his uniform slightly too big. Harry stole a bagel from the boy's plate.

The boy stared up at him. Yes. The tiny boy was even smaller than Harry, if that was even possible considering just how short Harry was.

"My bagel…" the tiny boy whispered in a tiny voice. "Please give me back my bagel…"

Harry proceeded to ignore the boy and devour the bagel. The boy began to cry. Inwardly Harry simultaneously laughed and cringed.

And then, all hell broke loose.

Harry looked up at the doors just in time to see them fly off the magical hinges and crush eight Ravenclaws, including Cho Chang. Oh dear. There went his chances with her. After all, even if she survived, she'd probably want to marry a doctor due to the health complications this would undoubtedly cause…

The loud revving of a hundred and fifty motorcycle engines filled the great hall.

Food flew everywhere as leather clad, tattooed bikers rode across the three remaining house tables and skidded to a halt by the teacher's table. One of them even parked on Snape, who had fainted the moment the doors flew open. Harry had an urge to hold up a piece of cardboard with a "10" in bold black on it.

What appeared to be the lead biker jumped off his motorbike, stepping on Snape's face as he did so. He had a shaved head, a giant blonde beard, about a million tattoos and an expression that said 'don't fuck with me'. "BILLY!"

Harry was speechless as the tiny boy next to him took a flying leap across the hall. "DADDY!"

A touching moment between father and son…

The bearded man putt Billy down and glared at those assembled in the great hall, most of whom were either mortally wounded and pleading for medical attention or inching slowly backwards towards the open doorway. "WHERE IS SNAPE!"

The tiny Hufflepuff boy, Billy, tugged on his father's leather sleeve.

"You parked on his face, Daddy."

This time Harry really did have to hold up a number 10.

The tiny boy looked confused for a second before grinning evilly. Harry dropped the score card and hid under the table at the un-Hufflepuff-ness of it all.

Unknown to Harry, the Sorting Hat had wanted to do the exact same thing on September 1st, having put Billy in the house of badgers for one reason and one reason only- it was scared to put him anywhere else. The tiny, adorable, cherubic boy was actually pure evil, and would have likely initialized an uprising against the faculty and taken over the school within the first week.

It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Harry, displaying his immense Gryffindor courage, cowered under the Hufflepuff table. Billy's voice floated across the hall. "Daddy, Harry Potter stole my bagel."

At this, Harry fainted clean away.

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**Uh... yeah. Please don't shoot me. Shoot.... Jiang Qing... Who was the one who made me write it. BLAME HER I SAY! *hides***


End file.
